What If You're the Toxic One?

9 July 2019

In today’s post, I’d like to dive in a little deeper to a different topic that somewhat relates to what I was talking about in my previous post: [Relationship Series] Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love. Loving yourself unconditionally is and should always will be your top priority and because of that, accepting your flaws is one way to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to be a better you. 

You know how we’re always told to avoid toxicity and the people it possesses like there’s fire burning at our heels? It’s true, we should, we must. But then again, nobody can truly run far from being toxic. I’m not validating or supporting the people who make our lives miserable because believing that being toxic is simply a personality trait is nothing but a terribly weak excuse. What I do believe in though is that as a human being, we’re all made up of a ball of complexity with all the good and bad bits that make us who we are. We’re not entirely perfect but there’s never real pressure to be one. Who needs to be? 

We may be a good or bad person (or both), but whoever we are, I think just about anyone can fall into toxicity – this includes ourselves too and at some point of our lives, we have to admit that there could be times when we may be contributing to our own hardships. 

🌼 You're Not Alone...

Personally, I'm guilty of this problem and I also know that the people I keep close have spotted several of my toxic behaviours. So, just as it is difficult for you to read this, it’s hard for me to admit my flaws out in the open too. My purpose to write this post is so that I can raise some awareness that toxicity doesn’t always have to come from somebody else. Sometimes, we can hurt ourselves and others more than we think. To be less toxic means we’re working to become a better person, to be somebody we would like – drama and toxic free. 

🌼 It's Not The End. You're Actually Getting Better!

Having somebody else like me to say straight up to you that “You’re toxic” is a tough fact to swallow. Believe me, it’s hard for me to accept that I can sometimes be THE problem too. To remember those times when I overanalysed situations and think the worst of somebody else. To giving excuses for myself and my accountability for problems I thought had nothing to do with me. To the times when I rationalised that somebody else’s pain could never triumph over my own. 

The problem when you start realising you’re toxic is that the guilt can be terribly overwhelming. But it’s okay to feel those things because self-awareness doesn’t come easy. Being mature about yourself is to admit that you can be imperfect and knowing that there’s always a way to work on them. However, being toxic means deflecting that possibility. 

🌼 How Do I Spot Toxicity When I See It?

You don’t. Well, at least it’s not as obvious as you think it is. Just as Chelsy Ranard described in The Ladders, toxicity can mean how you make people feel and the kind of vibes you’re sending them. Some of the signs you may spot may include these:

πŸ’€ You tend to exercise control over others

πŸ’€ Blame others first for your problems
πŸ’€ It's not easy to let go of the things or people that hurt you
πŸ’€ You express love or admiration when you're after something
πŸ’€ It's hard to admit you can be wrong to someone
πŸ’€ Listening patiently to others is hard
πŸ’€ Many people have little to compliment about you and you make many enemies, etc.

How we can be toxic isn't only limited in romantic relationships. It can happen in family relationships, friendships, work relationships, etc. Even if we're completely toxic-free with our partner or friends, it might not be the same case with somebody else we know. Sometimes, we let ourselves get carried away with being toxic because we think we have little to lose.

🌼 Life Isn't Over Yet. You Can Turn Things The Right Way Around.

I'd like to remind us again that we're not perfect, nobody is. Realising that we're a toxic person doesn't mean that our fates are sealed to become one forever. We can change that and it starts from doing something about it. Toxic behaviours are learned but we can also remove them over time. We can start with stopping from gossiping, being less rude to have attention and respect, avoiding judging others and assuming without basis, quitting on acting out on our emotions and anger and reminding ourselves to start noticing the effects our actions and words have on others and how we react to that. 

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Toxicity can affect even the best of us. Breaking ourselves away from its chains cannot happen overnight because these things naturally take time. Remind yourself as you break one chain at a time that we can only be happier once we let go of the things that keep the best of life away. 

1. The List 
2. Medium 
3. Mind Body Green 
4. The Ladders 


  1. There's always a toxic side in each of us and it's just how people deal with that side of us.. :3

    1. Hello! That's true too. It takes a lot of understanding to be more emphatic towards others. They may have had a rough past they're trying to run away from or they are trying to be better versions of themselves for all we know. Hopefully, somebody out there can be just as understanding towards ourselves too. :)

  2. 1st time datang sini... salam ukhwah.. done follow blog awak. jemput singgah dan followback nanti ya.. terima kasih =D

    1. Waalaikumussalam, Kak Hawa! Thank you sebab sudi follow blog saya! I've done the same with yours too! :3

  3. I always sit back & think whether I am the toxic or just a victim. I must admit I am not always good to someone, I can be toxic sometimes. What makes us become wider is that both parties accept each other, correcting & support to become better. Not to bring one down deeper

    1. Hi Azreen! Thank you for your feedback on this! I agree 100%, nobody is perfect and they shouldn't have to expect that they have to be either. We all have our not so proud moments and it'll on helps when we try to be more understanding towards others, and they, in return, do us the favour to be better people together. :)

  4. "We may be a good or bad person (or both), but whoever we are, I think just about anyone can fall into toxicity – this includes ourselves too and at some point of our lives, we have to admit that there could be times when we may be contributing to our own hardships."

    Very well written! I had a friendship breakup in the past and for a few years, I kept blaming them for being toxic, causing the friendship to end. I never once thought that I did any mistake towards them until last year. We had many great memories and I could remember good things about them too. So I thought, if I can see these 2 sides of them (good and toxic), maybe I had toxic traits that they remember too. I was greatly appalled by that realization.

    Kudos to you for writing this! Everyone should see this :)

  5. Such an eye-opener post. Makes me wonder if I'm the toxic one or not.
    I don't have many friends and I've never been in a relationship before but I know someone who was so toxic towards her husband. I vowed not to be like that, not just my future partner and friends but to my family as well. I will keep everything in mind to be a better person.

  6. I like this post. Maybe we are the toxic person in someone else. But we still have time to change our self to be a better person. I have followed your blog #13. Hope you can visit and follow my blog :)

  7. what a read. thanks. it's good to get this right onto my face. i always try consciously to not be that "bad person" mostly because i tend to overanalyze and feel bad for a long time after it. not to mention i am an egoistic person (i still try to improve this part of me) so it is hard for me to admit my mistake. usually it was me having a loud opinion and sometimes i mistook it for expressing my belief or was i pushing it onto others? but i like your examples - respect other, don't judge. it's the little things that matter the most.

  8. i'd like to stay away from negativity and be positive. it's not easy but you have to try. right?

    i forgot that i already followed u as i was about to hit the follow button again. hahaha btw awesome content u got here. love it.